The Padawans of Penzance
by Helena L
Summary: Yes, even more song parodies! For those of you who’ve always longed to see KotOR crossed with Gilbert and Sullivan’s ‘Pirates of Penzance’, the wait is over. Get ready for ‘When a Jedi’s not engaged in her employment’, ‘A Modern Mandalorian’, and more...
1. When a Jedi's not engaged

A/N: I got the idea for this last month, after taking part in a student production of _The Pirates of Penzance._ The first two songs are based on 'When a felon's not engaged in his employment' and 'I am the very model of a modern Major-General'. More to come, if people like it...

* * *

**"When a Jedi's not engaged in her employment"**

_Spare a thought for the Sith troopers on Taris, toiling loyally away for their Dark Lord, only to be blown to smithereens in his futile attempt to kill Bastila...  
_

SITH COMMANDER  
When a Jedi's not engaged in her employment, (Her employment)  
And is trying not to let herself be found, ('Self be found)  
By the time that we've completed our deployment (Our deployment)  
She's certain to have vanished underground. (Underground.)  
We try our best to conquer our frustrations (Our frustrations)  
When there's military duty to be done, (To be done)  
But our mission's running into complications – (Complications...)  
A Sith Trooper's lot is not a happy one!

CHORUS  
Oh, when there's military duty to be done, to be done  
A Sith Trooper's lot is not a happy one.  
(Happy one.)

SITH COMMANDER  
When Republic troops are hiding in the city, (In the city)  
When they've slipped the grasp of every Sith platoon, (Sith platoon)  
The situation won't be looking pretty (Looking pretty)  
If we don't get on and find them pretty soon! (Pretty soon.)  
They say Lord Malak's running out of patience, (Out of patience)  
And I've heard he blows up planets just for fun, (Just for fun)  
When our mission's running into complications, (Complications...)  
A Sith Trooper's lot is not a happy one!

CHORUS  
Oh, when there's military duty to be done, to be done  
A Sith Trooper's lot is not a happy one.   
(Happy one.)


	2. I am the very model

A/N: This one took me _weeks_. Well, you just try finding suitable rhymes for 'Mandalorian'...

**

* * *

"I am the very model of a modern Mandalorian"**_  
_

_The scene: A gang of Dark Jedi confronts the party as they are searching for the first Star Map. Just as the others are preparing to do battle, Bastila steps forward..._

BASTILA  
Hold, monsters! Ere the members of your sorry band  
Proceed to drag us all to Korriban,  
Just bear in mind that we are Jedi Padawans,  
And our crewmate is a Mandalorian!

DARK JEDI (_sarcastic_)  
We'd better pause, and reassess our plan!  
Their crewmate is a Mandalorian!

ALL  
Yes, yes, he is a Mandalorian!

CANDEROUS  
Yes, yes, I am a Mandalorian!

CARTH  
For he is a Mandalorian!

ALL  
He is; hurrah for the Mandalorian!

CANDEROUS  
And it is, it is a glorious thing  
To be a Mandalorian!

ALL  
It is! Hurrah for the Mandalorian,  
Hurrah for the Mandalorian!

CANDEROUS  
I am the very model of a modern Mandalorian,  
I wipe the floor with mercenaries human and Gamorrean,  
I know our code of honour, and I quote the battles glorious  
From Coruscant to Malachor, with diligence laborious.  
I'm happy to regale you all with details of our finest raids,  
I'll bore you half insane with talk of battle droids and stun grenades,  
About our many victories I brim with trivialities,  
With many cheerful facts about the number of fatalities!

ALL  
With many cheerful facts about the number of fatalities,  
With many cheerful facts about the number of fatalities,  
With many cheerful facts about the number of fatali-talities!

CANDEROUS  
I'm very good at strategy and calculations tactical,  
I'm excellent at theory and better at the practical,  
In short, when fighting adversaries, Sith or Iridorian,  
I am the very model of a modern Mandalorian!

ALL  
In short, when fighting adversaries, Sith or Iridorian,  
He is the very model of a modern Mandalorian!

CANDEROUS  
I know our recent history, Darth Revan's and the Mandalore's,_  
_The downfall of our leader, who'd been beaten by no man before;_  
_I quote our guiding principles at every opportunity,_  
_The weak and the contemptible I slaughter with impunity._  
_I can tell Echani weaponry from Zabrak and Arkanian,_  
_I've armour fit for outer space or climates subterranean,_  
_Then I can use a blaster withan aptitude so staggering,_  
_I really can't be blamed for the occasional swaggering!

ALL  
He really can't be blamed for the occasional swaggering,  
He really can't be blamed for the occasional swaggering,  
He really can't be blamed for the occasional swagger-swaggering!

CANDEROUS  
Then I can write a battle chant in Aurebesh or Rodian,_  
_And understand the language of a Jawa or Neimodian;_  
_In short, when fighting adversaries, Sith or Iridorian,  
I am the very model of a modern Mandalorian!

ALL  
In short, when fighting adversaries, Sith or Iridorian,  
He is the very model of a modern Mandalorian!

CANDEROUS  
In fact, when I know what is meant by all the Jedi prattling,_  
_When I can find a cause to give some purpose to our battling,_  
_When I can see there's more to life then being just a warrior,_  
_And when for all my crimes I'm maybe just a little sorrier;  
When I have learned why Jagi is so eager to be rid of me,_  
_When I have more concern for others' feelings than a kid of three,_  
_In short, when I've a vague idea of what could be worth fighting for,_  
_You'll say that such a Mandalorian might be worth sighting more!

ALL  
You'll say that such a Mandalorian might be worth sighting more,  
You'll say that such a Mandalorian might be worth sighting more,  
You'll say that such a Mandalorian might be worth sighting, sighting more!

CANDEROUS  
For my military knowledge is so thorough and meticulous,  
To waste it all on lesser foes seems utterly ridiculous;  
But still, when fighting adversaries, Sith or Iridorian,  
I am the very model of a modern Mandalorian!

ALL  
But still, when fighting adversaries, Sith or Iridorian,  
He is the very model of a modern Mandalorian!


	3. Oh false one, you have deceived me

A/N: This song is a duet between Revan and Bastila (in the original, between Frederic and Ruth). It's not one of the better-known ones, so if you're not familiar with it, you can find the original lyrics and MIDI files of the music at the Gilbert and Sullivan Archive online.

* * *

**"Oh false one, you have deceived me"  
**

_The scene: Revan has just discovered the secret of his true identity from Malak, and he is_ not _happy…_

REVAN  
Oh false one, you have deceived me!

BASTILA  
I have deceived you?

REVAN  
Yes, deceived me!  
I thought I was a normal guy –

BASTILA  
You were when you first met me.

REVAN  
But now I find it's all a lie!

BASTILA  
I knew where it would get me!

REVAN  
My trust in you you did betray,

BASTILA  
Oh, how it did upset me!

REVAN  
The ugly truth you would not say!

BASTILA  
The Council wouldn't let me.

REVAN  
Faithless woman, to deceive me,  
I who trusted so!

BASTILA  
Revan, Revan, do not leave me,   
Hear me ere you go!

REVAN  
Faithless woman!

BASTILA  
Revan, Revan...

REVAN  
Faithless woman!

BASTILA   
Revan, Revan...

BASTILA / REVAN  
Do not leave me, do not leave me/ Faithless woman, to deceive me,  
Hear me ere you go/ I who trusted so!  
Do not leave me, do not leave me/ Faithless woman, to deceive me,  
Hear me ere you go/ I who trusted so!

BASTILA   
My tale without reflecting,  
Oh, do not be rejecting!  
Malak tried to kill you,  
But I had to save your life.  
Your memories remaining  
Could end, with careful retraining,  
Years of war and strife,  
Years of war and strife.

BASTILA / REVAN   
Pity then my Masters/ Yes, your Jedi Masters   
Faced with such disaster; / Would not risk disaster;  
With so many lives at stake / You've made it very clear whose fate  
Our duty, it was clear. / Was more important here!  
Our Order unending / You have stood unbending,  
Has stood, these worlds defending / The Galaxy defending,  
Twenty thousand years/ Twenty thousand years!  
Twenty thousand years.

REVAN  
Faithless woman, to deceive me,  
I who trusted so!

BASTILA / REVAN  
Revan, Revan, do not leave me / Faithless woman, to deceive me,  
Hear me ere you go / I who trusted so!


	4. When I was a lad I took a trip

A/N: This one is based on 'When I was a lad I served a term' from _H.M.S. Pinafore_. Saul explains how he came to be Malak's right-hand man.

* * *

**"When I was a lad I took a trip"**

SAUL  
When I was a lad I took a trip,  
A duty tour on a Republic ship._  
_I cleaned my cabin and I shone my boots,  
And I went out on parade with all the new recruits.

CHORUS  
He went out on parade with all the new recruits.

SAUL  
I went out on parade so consistently,  
That now I am the leader of the Sith armee!

CHORUS  
He went out on parade so consistently,  
That now he is the leader of the Sith armee!

SAUL  
On that first tour I made such a mark  
That for several more voyages I did embark._  
_I led my troops with a skill so rare,  
And I carried out my duties with the greatest care.

CHORUS  
He carried out his duties with the greatest care.

SAUL  
I carried out my duties with a will so free,  
That now I am the leader of the Sith armee!

CHORUS  
He carried out his duties with a will so free,  
That now he is the leader of the Sith armee!

SAUL  
In leading troops I made such a name  
That a senior officer I soon became;  
I led campaigns against the Mandalore  
For the Jedi known as Malak, when he joined the war.

CHORUS  
For the Jedi known as Malak, when he joined the war.

SAUL  
The Jedi known as Malak was so good to me,  
That now I am the leader of the Sith armee!

CHORUS  
The Jedi known as Malak was so good to he,  
That now he is the leader of the Sith armee!

SAUL  
As Malak's officer I proved such an ace  
That when he returned from unknown space,  
I was quick to see the Sith would win,_  
_And with Malak's cause I threw my lot in!

CHORUS  
And with Malak's cause he threw his lot in!

SAUL  
And that kind of cause so suited me,  
That now I am the leader of the Sith armee!

CHORUS  
And that kind of cause so suited he,  
That now he is the leader of the Sith armee!

SAUL  
I proved so loyal that I was sent_  
_To Republic areas to crush dissent._  
_I razed whole planets at my Dark Lord's call,  
And I never thought to question his commands at all.

CHORUS  
He never thought to question his commands at all.

SAUL  
I'd so few questions, he rewarded me  
By making me the leader of the Sith armee!

CHORUS  
He'd so few questions, he rewarded he  
By making him the leader of the Sith armee!

SAUL  
Now soldiers all, wherever you may be,  
If you want to rise to the top of the tree,  
If you don't want to end up a Republic tool,  
Be careful to be guided by this golden rule.

CHORUS  
Be careful to be guided by this golden rule.

SAUL  
Jump ship while you can, and leave them all at sea,  
And you all may be leaders of the Sith armee!

CHORUS  
Jump ship while you can, and leave them all at sea,  
And you all may be leaders of the Sith armee!


	5. Three little Sith from school are we

A/N: Just a short one this time, based on 'Three little maids from school' from _The Mikado_. I know it's meant for three female voices, but I just couldn't resist...

* * *

**"Three little Sith from school are we"**

LASHOWE, MEKEL & SHAARDAN  
Three little Sith from school are we,  
Fresh from the Sith Academy,  
Filled to the brim with evil glee,  
Three little Sith from school!

LASHOWE  
Everyone is a source of fun! (_Laughs._)

MEKEL  
Nobody's safe, for we care for none! (_Laughs._)

SHAARDAN  
Our reign of terror has just begun! (_Laughs._)

LASHOWE, MEKEL & SHAARDAN  
Three little Sith from school!  
Three little Sith who lust for power,  
Planning and scheming every hour;  
Trembling before us, all shall cower!  
Three little Sith from school,  
Three little Sith from school!

LASHOWE (_Draws saber_)  
One little Sith is a leader strong,

MEKEL (_Draws saber_)  
Two little Sith plan to prove her wrong.

SHAARDAN (_Draws saber_)  
Three little Sith won't be three for long...

LASHOWE, MEKEL & SHAARDAN  
Three little Sith from school!

(_They play-fight. Lashowe pretends to kill Mekel._)

LASHOWE  
From three little Sith take one away,

MEKEL  
Two little Sith remain, and they –

SHAARDAN  
Won't stop at murder to get their way!

LASHOWE, MEKEL & SHAARDAN  
Three little Sith from school,

CHORUS  
Three little Sith from school!

ALL  
Three little Sith who lust for power,  
Planning and scheming every hour;  
Trembling before us, all shall cower!

LASHOWE, MEKEL & SHAARDAN  
Three little Sith from school,

ALL  
Three little Sith from school!


	6. If you give me your attention

A/N: This one is 'If you give me your attention' from _Princess Ida._

**"If you give me your attention" **

VROOK  
If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am:_  
_I'm a perfect Jedi Councillor – all other kinds are sham. _  
_Each little fault of temper and each character defect  
In my erring Jedi pupils, I endeavour to correct.  
To all their little weaknesses I open up their eyes,  
And little plans to humble the ambitious I devise;_  
_I love my fellow creatures; I do all the good I can –_  
_Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!_  
_And I can't think why!

To innocent enquiries I've a withering reply,  
And arrogance I always do my best to mortify;  
An altruistic action I can skilfully dissect,_  
_And symptoms of theDark Side I'm delighted to detect.  
I know everybody's failings,both the grievous and the small,_  
_And I won't neglect to warn them if they're heading for a fall,_  
_But to benefit the Galaxy however much I plan,_  
_Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!_  
_And I can't think why!

I'm sure I'm no Dark Jedi; I'm as Light Side as can be;_  
_You'll always find me ready with an absolute decree;_  
_I've an overbearing manner, I've a penetrating stare,_  
_I've an irritable temper, I've a paralysing glare._  
_To everybody's prejudice I know a thing or two;_  
_I can tell you when you're headed for the Dark Side – and I do._  
_But although I try to make myself as useful as I can,  
Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!  
And I can't think why!

CHORUS  
He can't think why!

ALL  
I/He can't think why!


	7. With catlike tread

A/N: Going back to _Pirates_, this one is obviously based on 'With cat-like tread'.

**"With cat-like tread"**

_The scene: Revan, Carth and _ _Mission__ have broken into the Vulkar base to recover the prototype swoop engine._

REVAN, CARTH & MISSON (_very loudly_)  
With cat-like tread,  
Through Vulkar halls we steal;  
In silence dread,  
Our cautious way we feel.  
No sound at all,  
We never speak a word –  
A gizka's call  
Would be distinctly heard!

VULKARS (_quietly_)  
Tarantara, tarantara!

REVAN, CARTH & MISSON  
So stealthily the raiders creep  
While all the Vulkars soundly sleep!  
Come, friends and comrades three,  
Truce to open fighting,  
This is more exciting;  
Let's vary soldiery  
With a little burglary!_  
_Come, friends and comrades three,  
Truce to open fighting,_  
_This is more exciting;_  
_Let's vary soldiery_  
_With a little burglary!

CARTH (_handing out tools_)  
Here's your computer spikes,and your droid repair bits  
Your electric baton– you may want to hit!  
Your stolen access card, your grenades of fear,  
Take your visor and your demolition gear!

VULKARS  
Tarantara...

REVAN, CARTH & MISSON  
With cat-like tread!

VULKARS  
Tarantara...

REVAN, CARTH & MISSON  
In silence dread!

REVAN, CARTH & MISSON  
With cat-like tread,  
Through Vulkar halls we steal;  
In silence dread,  
Our cautious way we feel.  
No sound at all,  
We never speak a word –  
A gizka's call  
Would be distinctly heard!

Come, friends and comrades three,  
Truce to open fighting,  
This is more exciting;  
Let's vary soldiery  
With a little burglary!_  
_With cat-like tread,  
Through Vulkar halls we steal;  
In silence dread,  
Our cautious WAY... WE... FEEL!


End file.
